Bear with me here… When I tell people on forums and in my coaching that I have modeled my marriage after the Biblical picture of marriage, they usually roll their eyes. I can imagine their picture of Biblical marriage: wife at home slaving over the stove with two babies at her feet.
When her husband comes home, she rushes to greet him and gets him the paper, sits him in an easy chair and gets dinner on the table. After dinner he sits down to watch TV while she cleans, gets him a beer and takes care of the kids. Wow. Not exactly the best way to get your wife in the mood.
The reality is that the biblical picture of marriage is a perfect circle. One where the husband leads, loves and serves his wife; where everything the husband does is for the benefit of his wife and the marriage. And the wife respects and follows the husband’s lead.
Where she provides for his needs and he provides for hers. Biblical marriage is one where both the husband and wife treat each other as they would treat themselves. (Ephesians 5: 22-33) And here’s the interesting part – Biblical marriage provides for both husband and wife to be satisfied sexually. (1 Corinthians 7:1-5)
Since my wife and I became Christian and learned these things from Church and organizations like Family Life, things have gotten exponentially better. I have made a huge change in my attitude: I no longer think of myself (at least I try not to) – I try to think of my wife; I do things for her just because I love her. And she has done the same.
We also no longer have as many conflicts due to role confusion – where we are both trying to be the head chef, so to speak. Is my very intelligent independent self sufficient wife ok with this? Yes. Because she can see how the roles are equally important – they are just different.
In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat your wife with understanding as you live together. She may be weaker [physically] than you are, but she is your equal partner in God’s gift of new life. Treat her as you should so your prayers will not be hindered. – 1 Peter 3:7 (NLT)
She knows I will be doing everything in my power to love, serve, honor, protect and provide for her. The goldfish attraction factor
If you are not Christian, I hope you can see the logic behind this picture. You cannot have two people leading – then there is no leader – there is only conflict. It’s a beautiful circle: the man loves and serves the wife, the wife respects and follows the man – and both are sexually satisfied.
What Makes Her Want Sex?
What makes a woman who is nursing a 5-month-old baby, is tired all the time from getting up in the middle of the night, and who has the anti-libido-post-pregnancy hormone imbalance initiate sex every night for the past week?
The answer is that her husband has been renewing his love for her by doing what he reads about on IHP. She doesn’t crave sex – but she does crave being close to the man who she knows deep down loves her deeply and without expectations.
Which brings to mind an interesting fact: for men sex is mostly about the climax and release whereas for women sex is mostly about just being close. Sure, women like to have orgasms; and if you are good at pleasing your woman, then she’ll love sex all the more.
But sometimes a woman may not be able to get there – especially if there are hormonal issues or medical issues in the mix. And sometimes she may not want to get there. Women can get satisfaction from sex just because they are being as physically and emotionally close to their husband as they can ever get.
Why would a woman crave to be that close to her husband? Because he has shown and proven that he loves her deeply by his attitude and his dedication without expectations. Because he loves and accepts her no matter what. That can build so much love and trust in a woman that she cannot keep her hands and lips off her husband. Trust me: this is a true story.
Want to be a Sexually Fulfilled Husband?
Of course you want to be sexually satisfied; you want you wife to desire you, want you, and initiate sex with you. Your need for sex is a legitimate physical need. Men need sex. The fact is that if your wife fulfills your sexual needs, you would do practically anything for her. If she asked you to fold the laundry for her, you would be happy to.
If she needed you to drive an extra 10 miles to get the kids, you would ask her if she needed you to stop by the store as well. If she is keeping you happy in bed, you will be happy to keep her happy out of bed. And of course, the result of you keeping her happy is that she will desire you and be passionate in bed.
So: why not put the cart in front of the horse? You’re in a rut. Your wife’s libido, passion and desire are hitting lows. Instead of waiting for her to rev the engines, you go first. Make her happy. Do things for her with joy and offer to do more.
Treat her the way you used to treat her. You can recall a time when if she needed you to go out of your way to pick her up, you did it gladly because it meant you got to see her. You wanted to go out of your way to see her. You probably made excuses to do things for her just so your could hold her for a moment.
Where did those feelings go? What happened to that motivation? The answer is this: it went away when the chase ended – after you got her 100% – after marriage. So why not start looking forward to seeing your wife? If you can focus your heart and mind on everything you LOVE about her, you can find that anticipation. And if you can find that anticipation, you can find the joy in doing things for your wife – just to get to see her and hold her.
Men need sex; and women need sex, too – but for very different reasons. Women need to be loved and cared for; they need to know you want to be with them and want to go out of your way for them. Believe me: if you change your paradigm and start doing things for your wife with joy,